1.5.18

Hey All,

It’s been a little while since I wrote here due to the holiday’s and a lot of running around. Nevertheless, the holiday season is over and I am so elated to be done shopping and traveling LOL. I am pretty sure I left off with doing my 30 day no contact with MM, but yea that didn’t last all but two weeks. I actually contacted him and we have been in contact ever since, but that isn’t really what I want to talk about.

Lately, I have found that I don’t regret the affair, and I have prayed and asked for forgiveness. I still don’t regret sleeping with someone else’s husband. Does that make me heartless? Does that make me less of a woman? Does that make evil? I would tend to say no but I am sure there’s some scorned wife that would say I am an evil bitch.

Anyways, I came upon a topic that was intriguing because as I stated I don’t regret the actual affair. Yes, I was hurt by the ending of it but not because he didn’t leave his wife (which is my assumption, he could have).  I was hurt by the lack of respect shown at the closing of the affair. The end came rushed for both parties and when the dust finally settled neither of us was really ready for it to end, or at least not in the way it did. So I have had a lot of time to analyze my behavior and what my actual intentions were. I came to find that I had absolutely no intentions with this man, and I never set out to ruin his marriage or her life. I simply fell in love with him after several months and if I had to decide again I still would do it.

Also, I am sure I’ll ruffle some feathers with this thought but in affairs I’d rather be the side chick any day rather then the scorned, bitter, deceived wife. How can you really come back into the relationship knowing that trust was broken? In most cases the mistress moves on…. leaving the husband and wife to muddle through their mess.

Peace…..

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Nostalgic

I woke up this morning feeling blah….

So I made a mistake Monday and texted him. Honestly it went awful because I texted him about something I seen. I am trying hard not to care about what is going on in his life, but unfortunately I am just not at that point. I still want to know what he is doing and if he misses me.

I texted him and we fought….he also told me that this time away has given him “light” about our situation. Whatever the fuck that means. He made it clear that I decided to cut contact and it’s my fault. Whatever the fuck that means. As stated before lately he has been a negative ball of energy and I needed that space from him to get my thoughts together. I have other personal stuff going on career wise and really need to focus, and he wasn’t helping with that. I lost a really good job this year and I always wonder if that’s my karma.

Anyways, he wasn’t nice and neither was I. I told him I didn’t miss him and to be honest the first week I didn’t. I was doing really good the first week without talking to him, but then this week things changed. I just hope one day I don’t wake up thinking about the great ass sex we had or the deep talks we had.

 

Peace…..

Trying to move on is a bitch

I went on a date a couple weeks back and it was horrible….

I met this guy at a Halloween party and he wasn’t really my type, but I wanted to get back into the swing of things. He wasn’t very attractive and he looked a lot older then he said he was. I decided to give him a try because he had a good job (terrible reason). We went out a few times and he was cool. Then he invited me to his Christmas party and I decided I would go, reluctantly.

The night of the party I got dressed up  in my pretty little red dress and high heeled boots. He showed up in an over-sized pin striped suit, roses, and some disgusting chocolate. I am not  bitch even though this blog may portray me as otherwise, but I did smile and decided to try to enjoy the night. We get to the party everything is going good. I  met a lot of his work friends and some people he considered family. As the night comes to an end he tells me he doesn’t want to take me home and I should go to his place. Now as described he is not my type so I definitely say no.

We head out from the Christmas gathering and he is driving reckless and fast. I assume he had too much to drink because he was saying really dumb mess. The whole situation came down to him being upset I wouldn’t go home with. The next morning I decide to cut him off…clean.

This here is one of the reason’s why moving on is not easy. Men are so damn retarded and lately the single one’s are the worse.

 

Peace….

Him

Let’s talk a little about him….

As stated in my first post we already knew each other but it had been years since we talked. Even before this we weren’t intimate he just always had this crush on me in college. I on the other hand was dating someone and in a serious relationship, and didn’t even realize he had a crush.

My life has always been interesting I have moved a billion times, lived in interesting places, and just been free flowing.  He asked questions and was very in tuned with what I was saying. He texted me all day from sun up to sun down and I never had to question that he was interested.

Where was his wife?

From my understanding his wife was home and he didn’t sleep in the bed with her. Classic married man lie, right? I’m not sure and I really didn’t ask many questions about her. All I knew is that she was pregnant and probably was always sleep. We spent the most time together during her pregnancy. Which now I am remorseful for because I know how lonely it can get being pregnant and hormonal.

Anyways, we spent time hanging out with each other doing fun outdoors activities. We would golf, go running, have drinks, go to the strip clubs. We just enjoyed each others company and I am real laid back so I am always down for anything. I ended up meeting his brother, cousin, and a friend. Which to be honest I wasn’t sure if we should have introduced me to friends and family. I say this because in the long run if we were to be in a real relationship. I honestly didn’t want the stigma of being his mistress. Needless to say our relationship kinda blossomed and we both became comfortable with meeting each others friends.

This past July things took a turn for the worse and I threatened him…..

I threatened to tell his wife about us. We had a very big fight and name calling took place (per usual) and I was very  upset. I don’t condone my actions because you know your place as a side chick. You don’t threaten your man and you definitely don’t make empty threats.

He came clean to her about his year long affair and he went missing for a few days. I don’t know what transpired or why he decided to tell her. He claims it was the best decision he had made in a long time, and if you have figured out my personality you would know I didn’t ask why. Maybe, it was the best decision for him because he finally wasn’t hiding what he was doing, or maybe because he finally could let her know he was not happy. Regardless we both went missing and still have not seen each other since the day I threatened him.

You would think he would have never called again or that he would hate me. That is not the case. I am not sure what to make of that but he doesn’t hate me and he still seems to be very much in love. I on the other hand have been trying to move on, because he still is married and hasn’t discussed divorce with me.

Peace…..

Unavailable

Dating an unavailable man is nothing but torture in the end.

Some women find it intriguing to date a man who isn’t available. That could be emotionally unavailable or wife/girlfriend/issues unavailable. All I can say to those women is get a grip dealing with someone who isn’t available is taxing. Physically and mentally. These men take more then they can give because they have to give more to their families.

I decided to elaborate more on this because as stated I have decided to go on a cleanse. During this cleanse so far I have realized how much I have given in this past relationship. Also, I notice a lot of things I have given up on as well rather that be other relationships, time, money, or energy.  Lets be clear I dated all throughout my “relationship” but nothing could ever come from it because I was so tied up with MM.

Ladies, if you keep being intrigued by these unavailable men you too will become emotionally unavailable. This is what occurred to me and at this moment I don’t want to be bothered with ANY man.

Peace…

Blah Blah Blah

So, I started my 30 day meditation challenge and I feel pretty great actually. I told MM that I would not be keeping in touch during this period, but of course I’ve heard from him. I don’t understand the issue with needing space and why he feels so strongly about not giving me any. It’s annoying but at the same time it makes me want him more. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

We aren’t seeing one another and haven’t for 6 months, but he insist on being friends. I don’t get it or understand it. I am pretty sure I’m his comfort blanket, and not talking to me makes him feel unwanted by both me and his wife (who he is currently separated from). I was told they both have separate apartments and are cordial. You think I care about either, I honestly just want out. I just want to wake up one morning and not give a shit. Until that day comes I will continue to meditate and blog about it.

This too shall pass and all I will remember is blah blah blah.scrabble

Peace…..

Life

When does my life change around….

On top of me being in this cycle of an affair, I do have other things going on. I’ve been back home from Georgia for 2 years now, and my son came with me. I decided to leave the area after me and his father broke up. His father decided to stay for work. For about a whole year I was commuting an hour to and from work….until I was fired. After that I found another job that was far as well and that didn’t work out either. Now, I am working very close to where I live but I’m not making nearly as much money. It’s so hard to struggle after never having to, and it’s so hard to get back on my feet.

Nevertheless, I am working towards a goal and I’m really trying to regain my confidence back. I think this had a lot to do with the affair and why he’s even still around. At first he was always a person who put me on a pedestal. Always telling me how good I was at my job, how beautiful I am, and how smart I am. Even after I lost my job he was there through my mood swings and trying to find another job. I could tell it was hard on him to see me go through these things. He tried to keep me grounded, but in the end I just lashed out at him.

I say all this because as expected many people think it’s all about sex. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just sex and he will tell you the same. There was a very strong friendship. The emotional bond was strong and physically the sex was great. I love him for different reasons and everything happens for a reason.

People come into your life for a reason and for different seasons….

Peace .

Thoughts

I was trying to decide if I should post this today or not. I decided to go ahead and say what I needed to say.

I saw my blog was referred to a wife that was cheated on. I read her blog a little and some of the comments on it. Now, I have nothing negative to say about someone who has been betrayed by their significant other, but where do we place blame. For some reason since forever the “other woman” has always received the bad reputation. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it but the man took the vows.

I’ve always felt terrible about my decision to sleep and have a relationship with someone’s husband. What I did do was forgive myself.

Put as much blame on the husband as you do the mistress. It’s that simple.

Peace ….clouds

Balance

So I am currently balancing my energies and on a man cleanse. Meaning no new men and no old men. I decided to do this because quite frankly I have been attracting trash. Not to sound harsh or judgmental, but  I can’t go into 2018 with these energies or terrible vibes.  Some people  would say it’s my karma for being with someone’s husband, but if you don’t forgive yourself who else will. I deserve a great relationship just like the next woman.

Anyways, balancing consist of me meditating in the mornings before work and making sure I do my workouts. Of course I let him know I would not like contact but we all know how that goes. This is 30 days and I would like little to no contact with  him. I hope he can abide. If you can do something for 30 days it becomes a habit, and I want him to make it a habit to not rely on my friendship.

Furthermore, I have started back dating and it has been so awful. So awful that I decided I shouldn’t date at all until I find someone worth my time. I will NOT go into 2018 with off energies from my married man or from a new man.

Peace….Namaste

 

Rewind

Lets Rewind…..

After the first encounter at the bar, we decided to make an agreement. I was very aware of his marriage. He was aware that I was looking for casual sex and a friend to reacquaint me to the area.  We meet up after work mainly for drinks, food, and sometimes sex. We just really enjoyed each other’s company and it seemed natural.

One day I noticed a small shift in his attitude. He seemed a bit more agitated or just easily irritated.  I decided to dig a little on social media, and there it was a picture of his very pregnant wife. Something he failed to mention when we first linked up at the bar.

His wife had been pregnant for about 4 months and he decided to keep it a secret. He knew that if he told me at the beginning I would have never went for him. I myself have a son and I know how hard pregnancy can get.

Nevertheless, he didn’t mention it and it was too late….for me at least.

Decieve